My Higher Power is John Stamos
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I supernannyed him into submission
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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