i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Randomize
