Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
