Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
