God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
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