Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
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