I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
