when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Send help, water and tortillas.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
