We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize