I hate your face
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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