Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
