i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
