Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
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