why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
