i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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