When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
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