I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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