just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
He is such a slut. More and more my type.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
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