I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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