OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Randomize