i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
