I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
