Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Randomize
