The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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