Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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