How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
