2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
