My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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