So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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