My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
