I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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