i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Randomize
