I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
