I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
