Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
