I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
