just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Randomize
