Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Randomize
