You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
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