We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
