Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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