last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
