I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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