He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
