OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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