I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
