I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
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