You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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