The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Randomize
