God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
