I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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