when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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