I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
jump out the window naked night went bad
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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