why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
