so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
