This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
