I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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