Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
