So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
