the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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