I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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