i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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