I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
