if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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