he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I think your dad took our porno
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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