After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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