Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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